The scary word that isn’t cancer

Cancer, cancer, cancer…. remission, remission, remission… RELAPSE.

The seven letter word that some would argue is worse than cancer. (I think I happen to be one of them.)

As I sit by the fire and drink my green tea those little thoughts sneak in unexpectedly without me noticing & I’m suddenly thinking about relapsing.

All these stories about people, especially children, that relapse shortly after they’re claimed “cancer free” seem to hit me most when I’m alone. Although I find comfort in reading stories about children relapsing multiple times and still having the same love for life.

They seem to be resilient to the mental stress adult oncology patients carry.

Life never seems to lose its sparkle.


I asked my best friend what we would do if I relapsed again and he simply replied: “We’ll fight it just like we did last time & just like we’ll do next time… no fight is too hard or too long if you’ll make it to the other side. ”

I couldn’t have said it better myself: “The strength of those with illness is measured by the support of those around them.”

Cancer, remission & relapsing is all part of the journey.

I guess you learn to love the good, the bad and the awful.

If I relapse and still have the people I love beside me perhaps life will continue to sparkle in my eyes.

Xo Anyse

Thankful

It’s 1:54 pm on a Tuesday afternoon and I don’t think I’ve ever loved being alive as much as I do in this moment. I’ve recently spent a lot of time thinking about everything I’ve gone through the last few months and suddenly all I feel is a weird mixture of sadness & relief all in one.

It all seems a little too good to be true- I made it out alive, in one piece; stronger & wiser than I could have ever imagined. My world was shattered when I found out I was sick again, but now that this chapter is coming to an end, it almost feels like I’m losing a part of me that I spent so long learning to love. I had never been so happy; everything & anything put a smile on my face. Now that the chapter is slowly ending I feel like I’m losing part of myself in the midst. It may be hard to understand from someone on the outside looking in nevertheless, cancer helped me find the person I wanted to become. Strong, understanding, loving and all around happy.

Cancer took a lot away- appearance, sensation & mobility but it also allowed me to gain so many wonderful qualities.

For that I am thankful.

Thankful to be alive & thankful to be me.

I hope each and everyone of you feels the same way.

Xo

 

Accepting death

I’ve recently been asked by multiple people how I stay so positive while going through something so difficult and challenging. If I’m being completely honest, the answer is quite simple- accepting that death may come a little sooner than you had once anticipated.

I know death is a difficult subject. The majority of people have a hard time accepting the death of a loved one or dear friend, let alone their own death. It is too often seen as the worst possible outcome.

Perhaps if it was seen in a more positive light those who suffer/suffered from a physical illness could live a happier and more fulfilling life.

I’m not saying it’s an easy pill to swallow. It’s not like I woke up one morning and decided that I was okay with my life ending at such a young age. It took a few months, and much thought but I have finally come to the realization that:

DEATH is okay

DEATH is unavoidable

DEATH is a part of life

Sure I’m young and sure I have a million things I would like to accomplish before my time here is up, but if tomorrow were to be my last day I am content with the things I’ve done, the people I’ve met and the love I have felt.

“A life with love is a life that’s been lived.”

For those of you going through the same thing (or for those who want to appreciate their lives a little extra) – take a deep breath every time you wake up, hug the ones you love a little extra and conquer the day as if it were your last.

You don’t need to live a long life to live a complete life.
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6 letters- 6 months ago

June marks 6 months…

CANCER.

The inevitable 6 letter word that was like vomit from my oncologists mouth. The day the life I was currently living was no longer going to be anywhere close to ordinary.

Everything I knew as normal came to a halting STOP.

I’ve been riding this roller coaster for a few months now and if I’m being completely honest it was easier to fight than I thought it would be. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where the world felt dark and awful but somehow through this midst of it all life seemed to shine through TWICE as bright as it did before.

Planning summer adventures & trips between chemo… cute coffee dates & weeks spent with old friends…

School will await me when I’m ready- LIFE will be there for me to take on when I am well & ready.

Here’s to another 6 months of ups and downs- here’s to accepting everything life throws my way.

Xo

 

The mirror can be a scary thing

I’m not gonna lie I’ve always taken good care of myself; hair done, makeup on, cute shoes, tight jeans… I worked out from time to time but not routinely by any means.

My body was always something I admired, most definitely never hated.

I ate as I pleased but made conscious decisions in regards to my food. I made friends easily, had confidence in myself. If I wanted something, it was not my physical appearance that would inhibit me from getting it.

Until now… Suddenly I don’t even want to look in the mirror because the reflection is so daunting. I’ve accepted the lose of hair but the lack of movement and extra weight has me feeling a way I’ve never felt before.

I’ve never looked in the mirror and hated so many things.

It isn’t till now that I realize so much of my confidence was in the way I looked. I used to stand up for people and suddenly I have a hard time standing up for myself.

I know the only thing that will help with the reflection in the mirror is time.

This feeling of anger and frustration towards my body will make me a better person. I will never judge someone because of their physical appearance.

Everyone has a story- remember that

Xo

Maybe lying to yourself isn’t always a bad thing

IMG_7146I know people say lying to yourself is impossible but I disagree.

Stop telling yourself you think you’re in a bad spot or that you should’ve done better on that test. Tell yourself it can only get better, and that you tried your best. Stop continuously bringing yourself down- it has no (I mean no) positive outcomes. Even when it’s hard, tell yourself it could be worse…

Your mind should be used to bring yourself up & not tear yourself down.

If you continuously tell yourself that things will get better you’ll eventually believe it (or so I would like to think)

Doesn’t that mean lying to yourself isn’t such a bad thing?

Xo

Happy Saturday

I can’t emphasize it enough- life is so precious AND WORTH LIVING

Kiss the boy.
Buy the shoes.
Take the nap.
Write the essay.
Study hard.
Help others.
Be kind.
Commit to yourself. 
Commit to those you love.
Love yourself.
Love your life.
& don’t forget to smile along the way

 

XO