6 letters- 6 months ago

June marks 6 months…

CANCER.

The inevitable 6 letter word that was like vomit from my oncologists mouth. The day the life I was currently living was no longer going to be anywhere close to ordinary.

Everything I knew as normal came to a halting STOP.

I’ve been riding this roller coaster for a few months now and if I’m being completely honest it was easier to fight than I thought it would be. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where the world felt dark and awful but somehow through this midst of it all life seemed to shine through TWICE as bright as it did before.

Planning summer adventures & trips between chemo… cute coffee dates & weeks spent with old friends…

School will await me when I’m ready- LIFE will be there for me to take on when I am well & ready.

Here’s to another 6 months of ups and downs- here’s to accepting everything life throws my way.

Xo

 

The mirror can be a scary thing

I’m not gonna lie I’ve always taken good care of myself; hair done, makeup on, cute shoes, tight jeans… I worked out from time to time but not routinely by any means.

My body was always something I admired, most definitely never hated.

I ate as I pleased but made conscious decisions in regards to my food. I made friends easily, had confidence in myself. If I wanted something, it was not my physical appearance that would inhibit me from getting it.

Until now… Suddenly I don’t even want to look in the mirror because the reflection is so daunting. I’ve accepted the lose of hair but the lack of movement and extra weight has me feeling a way I’ve never felt before.

I’ve never looked in the mirror and hated so many things.

It isn’t till now that I realize so much of my confidence was in the way I looked. I used to stand up for people and suddenly I have a hard time standing up for myself.

I know the only thing that will help with the reflection in the mirror is time.

This feeling of anger and frustration towards my body will make me a better person. I will never judge someone because of their physical appearance.

Everyone has a story- remember that

Xo

Maybe lying to yourself isn’t always a bad thing

IMG_7146I know people say lying to yourself is impossible but I disagree.

Stop telling yourself you think you’re in a bad spot or that you should’ve done better on that test. Tell yourself it can only get better, and that you tried your best. Stop continuously bringing yourself down- it has no (I mean no) positive outcomes. Even when it’s hard, tell yourself it could be worse…

Your mind should be used to bring yourself up & not tear yourself down.

If you continuously tell yourself that things will get better you’ll eventually believe it (or so I would like to think)

Doesn’t that mean lying to yourself isn’t such a bad thing?

Xo

Happy Saturday

I can’t emphasize it enough- life is so precious AND WORTH LIVING

Kiss the boy.
Buy the shoes.
Take the nap.
Write the essay.
Study hard.
Help others.
Be kind.
Commit to yourself. 
Commit to those you love.
Love yourself.
Love your life.
& don’t forget to smile along the way

 

XO

Happy little update

Hi! Long time no update (Oops)

Wednesday I finished my third week straight of chemo (ughhhh) You can probably guess it wasn’t the greatest of times but it’s done and I’m on to new things. (STOP DWELLING- that’s my new motto)

The weather is beautifulllllll and I’ve never felt so alive. The hospital has me feeling a little locked up; the lack of fresh airs gets to you after awhile.


I have a couple weeks off now (I go back for another three weeks the 15th of May- which means I have just over two weeks off- YAYAYAY)

I plan on taking full advantage off my time off once the side effects of chemo start to subside. Keeping my fingers crossed I might even get a couple days in England (depending on my blood counts and travel insurance.)

I also intend on drinking a lot of good coffee, eating A LOT of ice-cream and spending time with the people I love. Ou and blogging more frequently seeing I’ll have more energy !

Till next time,

XO

 

 

My Good Old Friend Chemo

Let me start with sorry for the time in-between posts… It has been a busy few weeks!

If I’m being totally honest I haven’t posted because I’ve been trying to forget my first chemo experience. It started off fine, a little stressful with accessing the port but nevertheless it was going pretty well.

Somewhere between receiving the chemo and my first night at the hospital I began to feel the effects. The nausea started slowly till I inevitably ended up over a bucket in the bathroom with tears running down my face because lets be honest: puking SUCKS- especially when you know it’s induced. (Puking with a healthy body sucks, let alone when your body consists of cancer cells.)

I made my way back to bed and the nurse offered another nausea medicine to help relieve my symptoms. She gave me these little white pills you put under your tongue. Shortly after they began to melt, my eyes began to close and my brain felt like it was incapable of processing anything. I’ve never felt anything like it.

I don’t drink but I think that’s the closest I’ve ever been to drunk.

Ingesting the little white pills is the last thing I remember. The few days after ingesting the pills are a blur. I don’t even have any recollection of leaving the hospital; I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or not. I think that’s why I’ve been so scared to write about it because so much was forgotten.

Once home the initial days are still a bit of a blur. I was on 2 nausea medicines and sent home with those famous little white pills (that I had NO intention of using). I was on home hydration which means my port was hooked up to an IV for 12 hours every night. Every time the doorbell rang I knew it was time; theres something about having my port used that turns my stomach.

I initially was so nauseous I couldn’t even sit up. I laid in bed while someone fed me little pieces of watermelon and cheese. Those were the only things I could stomach. As the days went on the nausea seemed to subside but I had to take things slowly or it would creep up on me once again.

My body had been poisoned and I was slowly learning how to cope with it.

Xo

 

It’s All About Perspective

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”-Charles R. Swindoll

No one said this would be easy. It’s hard trying to come to terms with things that are hard to swallow. No one wants to accept that crappy things happen to them but that’s life.

Someone once told me “life’s fair because it’s unfair to everyone” I don’t think I understood that until I was diagnosed for the second time.

I’ve decided that you couldn’t possibly live a complete happy life, if you never experience pain. The emotions that are hard to bare are the ones that make us stronger. They make us appreciate life a little extra. The small things seem to have more meaning than they did before.

It might be hard to believe, but sometimes I think I’m happier now than I was 6 months ago.

Perhaps what I’m trying to say is that we should channel all the negative things in our lives, in order to appreciate the positive things.

Use your emotions wisely; we have them for a reason

xo.