A public diary

Diaries are personal, and somewhat secretive. They contain thoughts and experiences that we shy away from sharing.

Today I came across a notebook, in the MRI waiting area, titled “Draw while you wait.”

The notebook was simple in design, a modest brown cover, with the words written in black.

As I started to flip through the worn pages, there were messages written by survivors, elderly people, caregivers, sick people’s children and people starting their journey into the unknown world of illness.

A few of the messages struck me.

People I had never met wrote messages I could relate to. The messages made me feel like all of these people experienced what I experience and understand.

A few of the messages stood out. One woman said “I had the C’s twice in my twenties. And now I’m in my early thirties but I don’t think it’s coming back anytime soon.”

Another man wrote “I was given 6 months to live but it’ll be 5 years next month.”

Someone else wrote “I feel alone and afraid. I want to go to heaven but I also don’t want to leave my kids and my husband but I’m in so much pain.”

Another lady wrote “A day above ground in a good day.”

The pages were filled with words and feelings that made me feel at home.

What a neat idea to start public diaries in places where people lose their voice. In places where writing, as tears run down our face, is liberating and empowering.

When things get hard, and life seems to throw awful and unfair situations your way – write.

Write when you feel sad, write when you feel happy and write when your thoughts are too heavy to bare.

To know your story is helping others, in similar situations, while bringing personal peace of mind.

Let the struggles of others make you strong, empathetic and accepting.

Use your words, and not necessarily your voice, to help shape the world around you.

I challenge you to start your own public diary, in the form of thoughtful words.

Xox Anyse

Happiness is embraced not achieved

The sun is shining through my apartment window when it dawns on me, I want to make sharing my thoughts a priority.

As I sit at my desk, with my little notepad out ready to take on today’s tasks, my fingers finally find their way back to Permanently Pink.

As per usual, everyday activities got in the way of a hobby I started when my life got a little bit bumpy. 

I underwent a skin sparing prophylactic mastectomy in July, followed by reconstructive surgery, just under two months ago. This journey was shared through various Instagram posts, which I will link below.

Last December, as Christmas approached, I received a call concerning my abdominal region. “Hello, is this Anyse?” As the voice repeated itself, it was unclear who the person was on the other line. “Yes, this is she. May I ask who’s calling?” The voice replied: Doctor Kim. Strange, I thought to myself.

The conversation progressed and something abnormal came up on one of my scans. 

This brings us to today.

I’m sitting here sharing this with you because in spite of the scan, and the news that will be soon to follow, I am content.

I am content that regardless of the news life is still bright.

The warmth I feel, when the sun touches my face, I will hold with me.

I use these moments and feelings to remind myself that happiness is in everything wI experience, if I so choose to embrace it.

Just remember happiness isn’t something you achieve, happiness is something you simply choose to embrace.

I challenge you to embrace happiness, today and everyday regardless of your circumstances.

Xo Anyse

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Some will argue this picture is inappropriate because I’m exposed, but I think it’s empowering. I think it’s empowering to read about other women’s struggles. It shows us that struggles make strong, driven, successful & authentic women. This picture makes me feel feminine in a strange way. I’ve never mistreated my body, I’ve always appreciated & loved it for what it was but now I see it as a sign of life. These changes are not an option for me, I don’t get to choose the outcome because of my circumstances. I want people to know that struggle & pain bring light. Some people spend their whole lives trying to achieve happiness as if it’s this object that can be captured. Happiness is so much more than that, happiness is in everything we experience. Happiness is all around us, in every shape and size. You don’t achieve happiness, you choose to embrace it-ALWAYS✨#internationalwomensday

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about if posting a picture like this was appropriate (because of the way breasts are perceived) but I decided it has an important message that someone might benefit from. So here it goes, I’m 20 have an unsymmetrical face & now no longer have breasts or nipples. The breasts that I have are pockets of saline that feel like boulders on my chest & are numb to the touch. The scars are sometimes hard to look at because it reminds me of the things I have lost. With all that being said self image is a big topic these days which is why I wanted to share this picture. Women of all ages have a hard time loving their bodies because they neglect to see deeper than the surface. I want to challenge you to look at yourself completely naked in the mirror & pick three things you love about yourself instead of all the things you hate. Self image is so important because it essentially shapes are self esteem which also shapes the way we behave in various situations. Of course I rather have real nipples but frick I went from 97% likely to get breast cancer to 5% & I think that’s the biggest win of all. Am I right?? P.S. Scars are tattoos with better stories so I’ve heard #FoobsForTheWin 🥳💕

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