The scary word that isn’t cancer

Cancer, cancer, cancer…. remission, remission, remission… RELAPSE.

The seven letter word that some would argue is worse than cancer. (I think I happen to be one of them.)

As I sit by the fire and drink my green tea those little thoughts sneak in unexpectedly without me noticing & I’m suddenly thinking about relapsing.

All these stories about people, especially children, that relapse shortly after they’re claimed “cancer free” seem to hit me most when I’m alone. Although I find comfort in reading stories about children relapsing multiple times and still having the same love for life.

They seem to be resilient to the mental stress adult oncology patients carry.

Life never seems to lose its sparkle.


I asked my best friend what we would do if I relapsed again and he simply replied: “We’ll fight it just like we did last time & just like we’ll do next time… no fight is too hard or too long if you’ll make it to the other side. ”

I couldn’t have said it better myself: “The strength of those with illness is measured by the support of those around them.”

Cancer, remission & relapsing is all part of the journey.

I guess you learn to love the good, the bad and the awful.

If I relapse and still have the people I love beside me perhaps life will continue to sparkle in my eyes.

Xo Anyse

Thankful

It’s 1:54 pm on a Tuesday afternoon and I don’t think I’ve ever loved being alive as much as I do in this moment. I’ve recently spent a lot of time thinking about everything I’ve gone through the last few months and suddenly all I feel is a weird mixture of sadness & relief all in one.

It all seems a little too good to be true- I made it out alive, in one piece; stronger & wiser than I could have ever imagined. My world was shattered when I found out I was sick again, but now that this chapter is coming to an end, it almost feels like I’m losing a part of me that I spent so long learning to love. I had never been so happy; everything & anything put a smile on my face. Now that the chapter is slowly ending I feel like I’m losing part of myself in the midst. It may be hard to understand from someone on the outside looking in nevertheless, cancer helped me find the person I wanted to become. Strong, understanding, loving and all around happy.

Cancer took a lot away- appearance, sensation & mobility but it also allowed me to gain so many wonderful qualities.

For that I am thankful.

Thankful to be alive & thankful to be me.

I hope each and everyone of you feels the same way.

Xo

 

The mirror can be a scary thing

I’m not gonna lie I’ve always taken good care of myself; hair done, makeup on, cute shoes, tight jeans… I worked out from time to time but not routinely by any means.

My body was always something I admired, most definitely never hated.

I ate as I pleased but made conscious decisions in regards to my food. I made friends easily, had confidence in myself. If I wanted something, it was not my physical appearance that would inhibit me from getting it.

Until now… Suddenly I don’t even want to look in the mirror because the reflection is so daunting. I’ve accepted the lose of hair but the lack of movement and extra weight has me feeling a way I’ve never felt before.

I’ve never looked in the mirror and hated so many things.

It isn’t till now that I realize so much of my confidence was in the way I looked. I used to stand up for people and suddenly I have a hard time standing up for myself.

I know the only thing that will help with the reflection in the mirror is time.

This feeling of anger and frustration towards my body will make me a better person. I will never judge someone because of their physical appearance.

Everyone has a story- remember that

Xo

Maybe lying to yourself isn’t always a bad thing

IMG_7146I know people say lying to yourself is impossible but I disagree.

Stop telling yourself you think you’re in a bad spot or that you should’ve done better on that test. Tell yourself it can only get better, and that you tried your best. Stop continuously bringing yourself down- it has no (I mean no) positive outcomes. Even when it’s hard, tell yourself it could be worse…

Your mind should be used to bring yourself up & not tear yourself down.

If you continuously tell yourself that things will get better you’ll eventually believe it (or so I would like to think)

Doesn’t that mean lying to yourself isn’t such a bad thing?

Xo

Happy Saturday

I can’t emphasize it enough- life is so precious AND WORTH LIVING

Kiss the boy.
Buy the shoes.
Take the nap.
Write the essay.
Study hard.
Help others.
Be kind.
Commit to yourself. 
Commit to those you love.
Love yourself.
Love your life.
& don’t forget to smile along the way

 

XO

Happy little update

Hi! Long time no update (Oops)

Wednesday I finished my third week straight of chemo (ughhhh) You can probably guess it wasn’t the greatest of times but it’s done and I’m on to new things. (STOP DWELLING- that’s my new motto)

The weather is beautifulllllll and I’ve never felt so alive. The hospital has me feeling a little locked up; the lack of fresh airs gets to you after awhile.


I have a couple weeks off now (I go back for another three weeks the 15th of May- which means I have just over two weeks off- YAYAYAY)

I plan on taking full advantage off my time off once the side effects of chemo start to subside. Keeping my fingers crossed I might even get a couple days in England (depending on my blood counts and travel insurance.)

I also intend on drinking a lot of good coffee, eating A LOT of ice-cream and spending time with the people I love. Ou and blogging more frequently seeing I’ll have more energy !

Till next time,

XO

 

 

It’s All About Perspective

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”-Charles R. Swindoll

No one said this would be easy. It’s hard trying to come to terms with things that are hard to swallow. No one wants to accept that crappy things happen to them but that’s life.

Someone once told me “life’s fair because it’s unfair to everyone” I don’t think I understood that until I was diagnosed for the second time.

I’ve decided that you couldn’t possibly live a complete happy life, if you never experience pain. The emotions that are hard to bare are the ones that make us stronger. They make us appreciate life a little extra. The small things seem to have more meaning than they did before.

It might be hard to believe, but sometimes I think I’m happier now than I was 6 months ago.

Perhaps what I’m trying to say is that we should channel all the negative things in our lives, in order to appreciate the positive things.

Use your emotions wisely; we have them for a reason

xo.